..it’s just that I lack the zest and drive I used to have. I’m trying to rediscover motivation and direction. I’m trying to push through this feeling of worthlessness. I know the only way is for me to create my own path, nothing will ever come from just sitting on my arse; which means being proactive. I just have to push forward. I’m typing this more to myself than to you actually. But I’ll send it anyway. I have to start changing this attitude; no one can help me but myself. I must remember that despite everything that has happened this last year and the pointless circle life has taken me in; it is not the be all and end all. I have to let go. I can not dwell on events past. I can only look forwards, toward things to come. And look forward to things to come. I have to put myself out there, act on the ideas and inspirations that come to me, instead of sitting on them, a valueless act and waste of energy. My life has to mean more than what I have let it amount to. I’m sure that there is potentially more to me than I have let surface.
I am fast to forget, this is a trait that scares me. I feel like I learn the same lessons and experience the same mental disposition over and over. A constant regurgitation of ‘a bullshit attitude’. I will never get anywhere feeling sorry for myself. I will never achieve anything if I don’t dedicate myself wholly to something. If I continue only ever applying a mediocre amount of myself, I will only ever be a mediocre version of myself.’
Although things didn’t work out, I achieved things I never thought I had the ability to do or try. I have to remember this. But I cannot get ahead of myself. I could have and should have done more. And this isn’t just in reference to recent events. In every stage of my life I have allowed myself to be the sheep. I have never taken responsibility for myself and for my actions. And it is time that this stops. I don’t think I have ever dedicated myself to something, to the point where failing or quitting is not an option… I think I have gotten a little off track… I will start to take control over my life. I will drive myself to do, to achieve, to be and to exist as the person that I want and have the potential to be. I will not let life pass me by without taking advantage of every situation and enjoying every moment of it. I will be confident and enthusiastic, bold and dynamic. A go-getter. I owe it to myself. I will not learn this lesson again..